Hi
Well that sounds a bit of a weird way to start off but not sure how to start this.
I don't really know what this is, but I've heard that writing down your feelings when you're low can help so thought I'd give it a go.
I've no idea if anyone will ever see this but if they do, please forgive the grammar and spelling (and the swearing!), I am by no means a writer!
I'll start by giving a bit of background as to why I'm writing this.
I'm Vicki, I'm 29, happily married to Jack and currently pregnant with my 2nd child!
Last Thursday we went for our 20-week anomaly scan and that’s when it all changed and why I find myself writing this.
Everything was going so well at the scan, all the measurements were spot on, brain and skull seemed fine, stomach showing some fluid to show baby had been swallowing, heart all working fine. The sonographer then asked if we would like to know the sex or keep it a surprise, we'd already agreed a surprise, much to Jacks annoyance, but the next comment she said was far more of a surprise than I had ever prepared for. She told us that there was something she had noticed that she wanted to investigate a bit more. Something not quite right.
The baby had what she later described in my maternity notes homogeneous hypoechoic mass growing on its forehead. What the hell is that!? Basically, its doctor language for a soft tissue mass that they don't know quite what it is.
Jack and I looked at each other, I just remember thinking this isn’t right, that can’t be real, she's got it wrong. My baby is totally fine. I think I was so in shock that I took the calm route and held it together and just said ‘well all the other parts are fine and that's all that matters’. Who was I trying to kid!? I just wanted to scream and grab the ultrasound equipment out of her hand and show her she was wrong and there was nothing there!
She took the measurements of the mass and told us we would be referred to the Fetal Medical Unit at Bristol hospital.
It was then, led on that couch that my marriage really kicked in. Not at the alter when we were all happy and smiles, but when shit hit the fan and we both really needed each other. That's when I felt the power of a marriage. Little did I know when we were saying 'in sickness and in health' 16 month earlier, would I have ever imagined that it would apply to our unborn child. Never in my adult life have I needed someone as much as I did then, and there you where.
Some people say their husbands are their soulmates, best friends, life partner but Jack you are something else. You are all of those things and a whole world more.
We left the hospital and I started to well up. Trying to hold it together while we walked out of the waiting room and paid for the parking but as soon as I got into the car the gates opened and I couldn't stop them.
I wailed and wailed until I couldn't breathe. Thinking now, it was clearly a panic attack or something and I'm lucky Jack was there to try and calm me down.
This is not how I expected this visit to go at all. I'd been counting down the days since I received the letter, so excited to see my baby again but now it was like some kind of bad dream and I couldn't wake up. What was this thing and why was it on my baby!? What was I meant to do now? Just sit and wait for an appointment when I didn't know how this was going to affect my baby or me or my pregnancy!?
We drove home and every time I managed to stop crying for a split second another dark thought would pop into my head. I know there is a chance it may just be superficial and cosmetic like a birthmark or something and I really hate myself for thinking this but my poor baby! People (including myself) can be so judgemental that I know that people will be grossed out by it or not know what to say and to be 100% honest, I'd be the same if it was someone else’s baby. I feel awful for saying that but it’s true.
By the time we got home, I'd calmed down a bit and had stopped crying for the mean time and that's when the googling started.
I don't know why we do it and sometimes it's a blessing to have all that knowledge at your fingertips and other times, like this one, it can be a very bad idea. Especially given that I had no idea what this thing even was so how can I look it up? But when you're a determined, nervous and scared mother you'll do anything.
I didn't find too much on my first attempt which really got me down again. I just wanted to find some kind of Mums Net post or some crap about someone else who had this to reassure me, but there was nothing. Mainly because I had no idea what to google.
I then tried to call my mum to tell her about the scan, thinking I'd finally got it together enough but as soon as she asked if I was okay, I just started sobbing again. Mum tried to reassure me, and I again tried kidding myself that it would all be okay, and we wouldn’t get worked up until we knew what it was, and we could just deal with it. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was lying.
By that point it was time for me to collect my first daughter, Georgie, from the childminders and this meant a welcome distraction for a few hours.
After putting Georgie to bed that evening I went for a shower and again as soon as I was alone the crying started. I stood frozen in the shower for a good 20 minutes just hysterically crying and reliving the day.
Eventually I came too and made it out of the shower, I thought there’s no way I'll sleep tonight, not with all this on my mind, but I actually ended up having the best night’s sleep I'd had in weeks! Was it all the crying that had just zapped me or was I subconsciously thinking about the scan those past few weeks and now it was over with I could let that go?
A decent sleep did help but I still found myself sobbing into my cereal the next morning only to be told by Georgie ' stop crying Mummy, no need' sometimes a toddler can be so right.
I dragged myself into work and started the day by telling my manager so I could sort out the time off I might need but before I could even get the words out my mouth, I broke down again.
A few hours later I had a phone call from the hospital. The lady advised me she had sent off the referral and we should hear about an appointment within 48 working hours and then be seen within 5 working days of that.
48 working hours! That meant I could potentially not hear until the end on Monday just when my appointment is and then it could be the following Monday until I get seen! I really don’t think I can deal with waiting that long not knowing. I'm already going mad after not even 24 hours.
I then spent most of that day doing more googling and eventually found something that seemed promising.
There were other case studies of descriptions like mine with something called congenital hemangioma which was kind of like a birth mark but a tangled group of blood vessels. Could this be what it was? The more I read on the better it sounded. I read all about how this thing is split into 2 types, one that goes by itself usually by babies 1st birthday and another type that doesn’t but can be removed. I also finally found what I so desperately wanted the day before, a forum of other mums with the same stories!
It sounds so weird, but I loved reading their posts and getting some comfort from realising we weren't the only ones who have had this. I immediately sent the links to Jack and my mum. I'd really thought I'd managed to diagnose the baby without the doctor!
I know how ridiculous this sounds and I am in no way a medical professional, but I had to do something and for a brief period, I actually felt like I could cope with this. Even later that even when speaking to my Dad on the phone I sounded really in control and almost positive.
That afternoon I had another call from the hospital. They had received my referral and offered me an appointment for Tuesday morning. I didn't even need to think twice before accepting it!
Saturday then came around and it was Georgie's 3rd birthday. I knew I needed to keep it together today and make it special for her. We had planned a day at a farm park, just the 3 of us so off we went and apart from a few little well ups in the car, I managed to keep it together pretty much all day. That was until the evening when we got home.
Georgie was happily eating her dinner downstairs with Jack and I went to sort some washing out and that's when it hit me. Another completely uncontrollable wave of sadness and crying. This really felt like a different type of crying than I'd experienced before. I really couldn't stop it or get these horrible negative thoughts out of my head. This must have gone on for a good 30 minutes until I finally managed to get it under control when Jack came looking for me.
We put Georgie to bed and as we were both sitting on the sofa I began again and just blurted out all those thoughts I'd been having and how scared I was.
I was petrified. I don't quite know what of, but I know I felt scared for our baby.
I felt angry, why my baby!? There are plenty of people in the world who get pregnant by mistake and don't want the baby whose babies are totally fine. Drug addicts, alcoholics, one-night stands, all their babies are born perfectly fine, why not mine? What did I do wrong? Is it karma? Have I really pissed someone off somewhere? Did I drink too much? It was only the occasional glass of wine but was it too much?
Also, could this affect the way I give birth?
When I had Georgie, it was perfect. A nice water birth at the local birthing centre, only gas and air. Everything perfect and normal. How would it be now?
The articles I'd read suggested I'd need a caesarean and not going to lie, that scared the shit out of me.
I’d already had this birth all planned out in my head. I'd go for another water birth again at the birthing centre and this time I wanted to try hypnobirthing. It would be so lovely and calming, and Jack would be the one to announce the sex of the baby. I'd get back in the pool after for some bonding with the baby, like I did with Georgie, then baby would latch on perfectly and our lovely breastfeeding story would start there. I know it all sounds very perfect and planned out but that’s how I wanted it and suddenly there was a chance that that could all be taken away from me. Instead it would be all surgical and bright lights. No bonding time with the baby and how would that affect breastfeeding? I was angry and hurt.
Jack and I hugged and talked through everything and eventually I started to feel a bit better.
Then Sunday came around and I actually made it through a whole day without crying! It may be a small win, but it’s a win none the less. Today is Monday and again, it's a whole day tear-free but it’s also now the evening before our appointment which I think is what’s spurred me on to write this.
I've felt all sorts of emotions over the last 4 days and now I just feel sort of numb. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I've no idea how I'll cope with it. It could be really good news, and everything could go back to being totally fine, in which case I can look back on this and think I was being totally dramatic over nothing. Or it could be something, but we'll just have to deal with that when it comes to it.
Anyway, writing this down does seem to have helped a bit I think, let’s just see what tomorrow brings.
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